


The Blatant Sexual Lies of Eren Yeager

by SapphireSiren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Asexuality, Dirty termonology, Eren Is a Little Shit, Eren is also a lying idiot, Hange is unhelpful, I'm amused that "Eren is a little shit" is a tag, Invented mentions but mentions nonetheless, Levi is disgruntled as usual, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, dammit levi, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4696433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireSiren/pseuds/SapphireSiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi works at a couples shop. Eren has a crush and thinks he needs to overstate his sexual prowess. Asexual Levi is somehow both annoyed and charmed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blatant Sexual Lies of Eren Yeager

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seaofteeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seaofteeth/gifts).



> First time writing in AoT fandom ever, critique is welcomed!
> 
> Prompt on seaofteeth's Tumblr: “au where asexual levi works at a sex shop and eren keeps coming into the shop bc he has a crush on levi but thinks he is probably like way out of his league sexually (he’s only had sex with his one boyfriend and it was vanilla as hell ok) and so he makes up these really elaborate sexy time scenarios he has never been in to try to impress this sex shop employee and levi literally doesn’t care because sex is about as interesting to him as watching paint dry but it’s funny to watch this customer clearly lie about his sexual history to him and it helps that’s he’s pretty cute”
> 
> Side note: I predicted Eren to be an Aries (because fiery and stubborn) and Levi to be a Capricorn (because old goat). I was right, and I'm proud of myself. Also works great for the whole “Eren is a young/similar to Levi” thing. (Ram, goat, etc.)
> 
> I made several revisions, but I'm still not terribly happy with this. Oh well, it goes up anyway. I hope you all enjoy it, regardless!

He slapped his big black rubber dick on the counter. Levi blinked at it, then turned to his computer without a second thought, hardly sparing a glance to the customer.

“Yeah, uh... taking this bad boy home tonight to try out,” the customer said with false confidence.

He could feel a blood vessel burst somewhere. Not only did he have to work the night shift tonight (without Hange there to divert dumbass questions) and the morning shift the next day, but this douchebag had the gall to come in, carelessly _slap_ a huge dick on his spotless counter, and then try to strike up the most awkward conversation about it? He wanted to _chat_ to a stranger about fucking himself with a piece of silicone?

Levi resolved to demand a raise next time he saw Erwin. He'd break his legs if he had to.

Wait a minute. That voice did _not_ sound like someone who had fully gone through puberty yet. He turned to finally look at the young, earnest face staring back at him. Even worse, the kid was _blushing._

“If you can't handle buying a dick, don't come in here. Are you even old enough?”

The kid frowned, but his blush didn't abate. “I'm nineteen.”

“Show me your I.D., then.” Levi slipped on his usual disposable I-refuse-to-touch-cards-or-money-because-fuck-knows-where-they've-been plastic gloves.

He waited while the kid fished for his wallet, then flipped it open to the transparent card holder with his driving license. Levi almost growled his annoyance. _Almost._

“Take it out, dumbass. I can't read it from here.”

Thankfully, he complied. “How do you get away with calling your customers dumbasses?”

Levi took the card and examined it. _Eren Yeager, 03 / 30 / 1996._ Well, it checked out, even if the kid looked only sixteen in the picture. “You're in a store that sells a fake ass that doesn't even shit, and you're asking me why I'm a prick?” He handed the I.D. card back, scanned the package, then dropped it in a black plastic bag. “Sixteen-oh-four.”

Eren handed him his credit card, and Levi took it to swipe, then stuffed the receipt in the bag and handed the bag over to Eren along with his card. He could feel his eye start to twitch when Eren didn't immediately take the items and vacate the premises before he called the cops. Not on any charges, mind, but a preemptive move to save the kid from having the shit beaten out of him.

“I didn't say you were a prick. I just wanted to know how you got away with it. Your manager must be awesome.”

Thankfully his blush had seemed to go away, and Eren took the bag with a small smile. Levi just stared at him, then wondered why he was admiring this _kid._ Hadn't he just been about to beat him until he no longer resembled anything close to a human form?

Yeah. Yeah, that's why his heart was pounding. Adrenaline.

“So, uh... thanks.” Eren clutched the bag and shifted on his feet, seemingly not knowing what to do with the intense staredown. So he puffed up his chest as the blush returned.

“I'll probably be back for a better one tomorrow. This one might be too small.”

After he practically had run out the door, Levi let his head thunk on the counter and _groaned._

\---

Levi dreaded his entire work shift from the morning until now, an hour before closing. He usually didn't deal with customers on a personal level, being too prickly for most people to handle, but he was good at ringing items up and taking cash for them without any chatter. It was easy money, and most people didn't try to talk to him.

But then there was _this_ asshole, right on schedule.

Levi caught him striding over to where he was standing at the Wall of Dildos out of the corner of his eye. He simply continued to hang up leftover stock from his shift, a box of items that customers decided they would rather not buy and try. Hange swept the floor a row over, and Levi was about to grab hir for a diversion, but this brat got to him first.

“I tried that other one out, but it just wasn't big enough for me. Do you have anything you can recommend?” Just like before, he looked like a damn peacock with how his chest puffed.

“Not it!” Hange squealed before ze zipped into the stock room. Hir broom clattered to the floor.

Fucking traitor.

He sat the box down, folded his arms over his chest, and looked back to the kid – Eren? (He didn't usually remember names, so why...?)

“I don't know, try a vibrator or prostate massager. Or something you can actually use. That monster you got yesterday probably works great as a gag.”

Eren's eyes widened in realization. Oh god, did the kid think he was _serious?_

“I, uh... never thought of that. I mean, I forgot! Makes sense. I've done that, before. Y'know, with one of my boyfriends. He loved it. Shoved it right in.”

Levi's stomach tensed up, and he could feel heat rising to his face, and he bit the inside of his lip. Damn it if this kid had a verbal diarrhea bragging problem.

Eren didn't stop there. No, why would he? He gave a wide grin.“Yeah, I even used one of these things—” He glanced over and impulsively pulled down what looked to be the largest and most glitzy Jack Rabbit off the wall. “—on another guy. He was totally screaming and begging me. So I fucked him against a wall. Came three times. Guys love this... thing.” Nevermind the kid was turning beet red, mostly his ears.

Levi clenched his teeth, staring at the gimmicky toy. What kind of horrible porno did this kid watch? And did he not know what he was holding?

“I've had so many partners, I can't even count them all. I even got turned down at a huge porn audition because I was too big.”

So much for self-control.

Levi finally fell against the wall and _lost it._ He clutched his stomach and doubled over, shaking and filling the store with his near-breathless guffaws. That damn blushing cocksure grin on his face when he was spouting off utter bullshit...!

He didn't notice that Hange had poked hir head out from the stock room door at the sound, staring intently at the goings on by the wall of dildos. Hir eyes bugged out when ze witnessed what had to be a sign of the apocalypse.

Eren's face fell, and the arm that held up the Jack Rabbit dropped. He stared at the carpet and frowned, face and ears still red.

Levi finally lifted his head, though still fought back laughter, and waved his other hand not desperately grasping himself at Eren. “D-Do you even know what the fuck you're talking about, kid?”

“I'm not a kid... I have more experience than you do,” he muttered. He looked up from his interesting shoelaces only when Hange started cracking up. Eren hadn't even noticed hir until now.

“A leaf is more sexually experienced than Levi.”

Much to Hange's horror, even that comment didn't completely wipe the grin off Levi's face. Had he finally cracked?

“Shut the fuck up. At least I know there's no such thing as _Porn Idol._ Or that you can be too big for it.”

“It wasn't called that! And it was all true!”

And there was the frown again. Hange sighed in relief and went back to sweeping the floors. The world wasn't going to turn to ash or fall to man-eating giants. Not yet.

“I've heard more realistic sex stories from _Fifty Shades,_ idiot.” Not that he'd read that garbage. He didn't need to when every single woman who walked in gushed about it. “Look, kid, I'm not interested in your fake sexual encounters, so buy something or leave.”

Eren looked at the Jack Rabbit still in his hand, then put it back in its proper spot on the wall and frowned. He looked like he was mulling something over, then looked back to Levi, eyes wide. Oh great.

“Hold on, so you've never done it?”

“Never wanted to. I'm asexual.”

Much to his surprise, the term seemed to register with Eren. “Oh, so... You weren't above it all because you'd done it, you just... weren't interested.” Good. Let the brat feel stupid for a while.

“Just because someone works in a sex shop doesn't make them some kind of sex god.” He grabbed the box of dicks and turned back to the wall. “Why do you even care?”

“I...” Eren scratched the side of his face, cheeks flushing red.

Levi stared him down again. He didn't feel quite as much of a murderous rage like before, so why was his heart pounding in anticipation? What the hell was he even anticipating?

“Don't tell me you have a crush on me.”

That guilty look that passed over his face answered for him, but at least the blush was gone. Well, at least things made sense now. He ignored Hange peering at them through the shelving.

Levi continued to reshelve the items until the box was empty, then turned to the still silent young man. “You have fucking weird taste. And a stupid way of getting someone to notice you.”

Eren looked up from his shoelaces. His face changed into a wistful smile.

“Yeah, probably. But you have a really nice smile. I'm glad I got to see it.”

How the hell did this kid manage to worm under his skin with just some asinine compliments and awkward gestures, despite his initial idiocy? Maybe it was the sincerity with which he said these kinds of things, or just maybe the fact that some deep part of him craved the attention. (He hated that part of him.)

Or maybe it was the fact that he hadn't laughed like that in years, even if it was _at_ the kid and not with him.

Ugh, why did this kid have to be his type? Well, underneath the stupid. (Even that was still oddly charming.)

He gave out a rough sigh, avoiding looking at Eren's earnest green eyes when they turned on him. “There's a tea shop down the street. I get off work in an hour.”

Eren stared at him as if he was just told he won a Nobel prize. “So you'll date me?”

He almost cringed. “ _A_ date. One. And only if you stop bullshitting me.” Eren nodded enthusiastically. “I need to get back to work.” Levi turned on his heel and walked off, wondering exactly when he'd lost his sanity. This kid could be a serial killer for all he knew.

All Levi heard from behind him was a whoop of joy, a crash of metal shelving and plastic bottles, and a “Shit!” He held back the snicker this time, but not the upward quirk of his lips.


End file.
